Alexander W. Dreyfoos School of the Arts | 501 S. Sapodilla Ave, WPB, FL 33401

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Alexander W. Dreyfoos School of the Arts | 501 S. Sapodilla Ave, WPB, FL 33401

THE MUSE

Alexander W. Dreyfoos School of the Arts | 501 S. Sapodilla Ave, WPB, FL 33401

THE MUSE

Black Friday: The Most Important Holiday

[Satire] A perfect holiday experience always involves trouble with the law
Black+Friday+shoppers+walk+around+Woodfield+Mall+in+Schaumburg%2C+Illinois%2C+on+Friday%2C+Nov.+24%2C+2023.+%28Trent+Sprague%2FChicago+Tribune%2FTNS%29%0APhoto+courtesy+of+Tribune
Black Friday shoppers walk around Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, Illinois, on Friday, Nov. 24, 2023. (Trent Sprague/Chicago Tribune/TNS) Photo courtesy of Tribune

On the special date of Nov. 24, while the average person was putting the leftover turkey in the fridge and pulling out the holiday lights, I was doing the right thing: pulling out my credit card for the best holiday of the year —Black Friday. 

For the past few months, I’ve been stalking every single website, social media post, and commercials for all the best deals. Then, I laid out all my data on an Excel spreadsheet. 

Now, with the perfectly curated list of every store with the best sales, it was time to make my journey to the closest mall. Even though I may have received four tickets and six warnings on the road, it’s no big deal. I merely reminded the officers that it was a national holiday. 

Even though the police officers yelled at me for sitting in the parking lot for three hours waiting for the mall to open, and had to yell back, “It’s for the season!” It was all worth it when I walked through the glorious golden gate and entered my true home, the Gardens mall. 

Every wall was decorated with 25% and 50% off signs and even a couple BOGOs (buy one get one). I must have made it to the seventh heaven. Quickly, I pulled out my crumpled piece of notebook paper with my game plan. 

  1. Front of mall stores (Forever 21, Aerie, Urban Outfitters, and The Gap)
  2. Run to food court to gain back my energy 
  3. Look in mirror and remind myself why I am here
  4. Go into Apple
  5. Leave Apple (too expensive)
  6. Make my way to back of mall (Nike, Lush, Coach, H&M, and Journeys)

After I had broken an old lady’s nose who was “shopping with her grandkids” while leaving Gap, I realized it was probably time to haul my nine bags and scarf-length receipt to the food court. I had to grub up and gain my energy back for the second half of my journey.

I thought I might faint going through H&M because of their buy three get two free deal. One of the mall cops who was following me around stopped me and said there was “too much” in my hands. Too much? It’s Black Friday, Mister, not Nothing Tuesday. They hate to see my holiday spirit alive and well. 

However, Mister Scrooge claimed that I had been disrupting too many mall-goers and, aggressively — might I add — escorted me out. 

I slowly got myself up and walked to my car, where I cried for half an hour. That was, until I opened my phone and saw a notification pop up. 

Amazon: “Get ready for our premium Cyber Monday sales.”

Suddenly, I was rejuvenated. A whole other day to wreak havoc. And most importantly, no police following me and kicking me out. I drove home as fast as possible to plan for my new favorite holiday: Cyber Monday. 

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About the Contributor
Sienna Rose Sossi is a first-year staffer and coverage staffer on The Muse. Outside of The Muse, she does debate and golf. She likes to hang out with friends and get to know other people. 
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