50 Shades of Orange


Graphic by Danielle Cuestas

Donald Trump is no laughing matter, and he never has been. The man with the little hands shocked the nation and is here to stay. In his first few weeks as president, he has already done a few questionable things. But we all could see it coming just by looking at one feature.  His tan skin.  His glowing, tangerine surface is a bad omen – one that threatens free thought in our country. When looking at his skin, one has to consider the reasons it shines like the color of Garfield. Is he a member of some unknown race? No. Did he go swimming in a pool of carrot juice? Doubt it. There has to be some other reason.

I believe with utmost certainty that Mr. Trump got a spray tan on his aging skin to give it a revitalized look, and he was feeling awfully stingy that day. Therefore, he made a deal with Neutrogena – the company that provided him with the chemical capable of bronzing his skin. Neutrogena agreed to give him the spray tan for free, and in return, Trump was to show off his freshly colored skin in some extravagant fashion. Hence the idea to run for president. Every time the media poked fun at his quirky skin, they were bringing more and more attention to its peculiarity. Everyone began to notice it’s strange glow, and soon started to appreciate the unique aspect of being orange. Eventually he won the presidency, and continued the trend of non-white Commanders in Chief that Obama started in 2008. All of a sudden, being orange isn’t so bad anymore.

Johnson & Johnson, owner of Neutrogena, has had its stock price increase by a whopping 12.65% over the course of the last year, according to Yahoo Finance. This unexpected boost can only be attributed to the election; specifically, Mr. Trump. While this is great for J&J, there is a big risk in letting Neutrogena® Micromist® Airbrush Sunless Tan Deep become such a hit product: candy as we know it could be obliterated from society. A spray tan’s main ingredient, Dihydroxyacetone, is derived from Sugar Cane. If sugarcane is being used to make more and more people orange, then we’ll have no sugar left in only a matter of time. Starbursts®, Skittles®, M&Ms®, Sour® Patch® Kids®, and Licorice® will all be no more. We can afford to live without Licorice (good riddance), but what about the rest of these candies we all know and love?

Throughout America, children, adults, and the elderly are sucking and munching on candy. Their rotting teeth is a mutual identity they all share, helping to bring unity to this divided country. No matter the race, creed, or orientation, everyone loves these sugary sweets. With Trump in office, we will have to consider how much we let him further impact our view on spray tanning. This drainage of our sweet crops for use on such a frivolous thing as bronzing the skin is unacceptable. Not to mention the impact a candy-free society will have on the poor dental industry.