DISCLAIMER: This article is completely satirical. Please do not take our advice to heart. Everything stated is purely for comedic effect. Do not follow any of the tips listed below (except maybe that stick of deodorant).

Alright, children — since we’re the all-knowing sophomores, let us share our abundant Spirit Week expertise. Spirit Week is a magical time filled with dress code violations, last minute T.J. Maxx runs, and seriously overstuffed bleachers. We know these tumultuous times can be, well, tumultuous, but that’s why we’re here to give you a little bit of insight.

Without further ado, here are our top 10 tips for surviving Spirit Week in your freshman year (based on our “interesting” freshman year experiences).

1. Be prepared to lose — a lot. If it’s anything like our first Spirit Week, there is a strong possibility that you will be robbed of a victory (if your name is Jason Monaco, there is a 100% probability of being unjustly eliminated in a round of “Simon Says”).
2. Everyone will have an outfit planned five months in advance. Don’t be the freshman pulling out clothes from sixth grade that match the day’s theme by accident. Here’s our take on each dress up day:
   1. Holiday Day (Fourth of July): Unfortunately, you can’t bring your George Foreman grill to campus, but the cafeteria’s microwave can assist you in your quest for a lukewarm hotdog.
   2. Class Clique (Nerds): Dress normally. Don’t worry, the glow-up is on its way.
   3. Generation Day (1950s): John Travolta and Olivia Newton John. That’s pretty much it.
   4. Music Genre Day (Country): Perfect excuse to never have to visit the Midwest. Also, we assure you the accent will get old.
   5. Class Color Day: If you don’t like the color blue, don’t worry about it! Dress in all black. The seniors will love it.
3. Bring a stick of deodorant. In fact, bring multiple sticks of deodorant. Please. If you’re feeling charitable, pass them out to friends in need. Mental fortitude will be needed as well. Prepare to marinate in a pool of sweat and breathe in a scent that is worse than the Tri-Rail on a steamy Friday afternoon (see also: the unhygienic freshie on your right).
4. The Lip Dub is quite the experience, but the sun can be overbearing at times. Don’t worry, you can cool off with a dip in the Building 9 pool. Admission is $15 and all proceeds will go toward the bathroom renovations.
5. We know you want top notch material for your Instagram. The best place to take photos is on the field. Don’t worry about the construction going on in the background, it adds an industrial aesthetic.
6. On Generation Day, be sure to ask your teachers if they’re representing the “lost generation.” When they inform you of their age, don’t hold back your reactions. Let your jaw drop to the floor as your eyes roll to the back of your head. I’m sure they won’t take offense.
7. Read tip three again.
8. During the Pep Rally, don’t be afraid to break the sound barrier with your pre-pubescent screams. It’s not like ear damage lasts forever.
9. It’s ok to fail! Mistakes lead to growth. Just keep in mind that every game you participate in is recorded and will be reposted by hundreds of people. It’s kind of like Fergie’s rendition of the national anthem, and look where she is now!
10. Don’t come. Start spring break a week early. That went over so well in 2020.

P.S. Read tip seven again.