[SATIRE] Spirit Week: Written in the Stars

Aries is a cardinal fire sign, typically compatible with fellow fire signs Leo and Sagittarius and air signs Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius.

Aries (March 21 to April 19)

Spirit Week is your Super Bowl. I would make sports references, but I don’t know any. Luckily for both of us, we go to an arts school. In the typical arts school fashion, you won’t be afraid to express yourself through your outfits. Spirit Week is the best time to show everyone your closet’s gems, but you view it as the perfect opportunity to shop unsustainably.

With Venus moving into Pisces, you’ll feel inspired because nobody can tell that your fits were put together less than 24 hours ago. Whether you’re donning heart-shaped sunglasses or New Year’s sparkles, the student body knows you plan to make yourself the star of the show. As a fire sign, we would expect nothing less from you.

Taurus is a fixed earth sign, typically compatible with fellow earth signs Virgo and Capricorn and water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

Taurus, I understand you on the deepest level as a fellow earth sign. You put so much effort into preparing for Spirit Week, so much so that you may forget to actually enjoy it. You spend your days studying the schedule and themes, imagining all of the poses you’ll force your friends to smile in and stuffing your Amazon cart with wild accessories that you may not even purchase. Believe me, I commend you for your detailed Pinterest boards, but scrolling through for hours on end is not the same as actually clicking the “buy” button. I know it may be painful to see the amount of money in your bank account drop, but it’ll be worth it to see the amount of photos in your camera roll grow.

As much as you’d like your friends to stack themselves in a pyramid like real cheerleaders or film TikToks blasting emo music, it’s time to prioritize the people over the pictures. Not everyone wants to recreate photos you found online of “aesthetic friend groups.” Stop trying to mold Spirit Week into your desired fantasy if that’s not what everyone else is comfortable with. With the ruling planet (the planet in charge of your sign) Venus, you thrive off aesthetically pleasing assortments, and Spirit Week is the prime time to add to your Instagram, but if you keep forcing your friends into things, there won’t be anyone liking your pics.

Gemini is a mutable air sign, typically compatible with fellow air signs Libra and Aquarius and fire signs Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20)

Happy Spirit Week (for you, at least)! I bet you’re the type of student to rewatch all the Lip Dubs and dances and livestreams just to feel something. I’m not telling you to hide your excitement, but you’ve been yapping about this since last March. Now, I don’t blame you because Spirit Week is arguably the best time of the school year, but you’re making the people around you wonder how much spirit is too much spirit.

The problem isn’t even that you’re enthusiastic, but you’re pushing that enthusiasm on everyone around you. You ask people to smile brighter in group photos. You over-choreograph your Lip Dub movements. And when people are finding their own, authentic joy in the happenings of Spirit Week, you force them to pause to get a photo (oftentimes in the background of somebody else’s photo). Sometimes you have to put the phone down and just enjoy the moment, so the stars are calling you to do just that this March.

Cancer is a cardinal water sign, typically compatible with fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces and earth signs Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

Cancer, where’s your school spirit? You might feel like it’s dwindling, but you have to get it together. These are your golden years, and you can’t let them go to waste. Revel in these high school moments before they’re over. Scream until you lose your voice during lunch events. Don’t be that one kid who goes home with their voice still intact.

You might be experiencing a rise in popularity, so be prepared to endure a line of peers trying to take photos with you during lunch on the half field. It’s possible that your new admirers have seen you practice for Generations Day or Pep Rally dances. But if you’re not a fan of your fans, be careful what you say because it’s possible something will come back to bite you as Mercury enters Aries. Steer clear of phrases like “The class of 2024 sucks” because you’ll definitely be shamed for spreading fake news.

Leo is a fixed fire sign, typically compatible with fellow fire signs Aries and Sagittarius and air signs Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22)

Like a typical Leo, you’ll find a way to make yourself the star of the show, but with the sun as your ruling planet, it’s only natural. This Spirit Week, however, you’re a bit more aware of how bright your shine really is. With this newfound awareness, don’t try to overpower everyone else in all the photos you’re taking. Don’t overdo a pop-and-lock for the dances that you’re participating in. The only place where it’s acceptable to outdo everyone else is musical chairs (and only if you’re a senior because we desperately need to win).

Take some time this Spirit Week to look outside of yourself. Connect with your peers. Find pride within your grade level’s abilities (it may be hard if you’re a freshman, but you’ll find the audacity somewhere). Seek joy in the experience rather than in your appearance.

Virgo is a mutable earth sign, typically compatible with fellow earth signs Taurus and Capricorn and water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)

I can only imagine how stressed you must feel. Did you establish a solid balance between beach and bop? Could the common man determine that you’re representing the ‘60s era rather than the ‘70s? All of these questions run through your head as you wonder if you’ll have enough pep for the rally and if the spirit will last the whole week. But that’s exactly your problem. You just need to stop thinking.

Raid your closet for outfits that make sense with the theme. If you have an old “Kiss me, I’m Irish” top, you’re all set for Holiday Day. If you have a pair of 3D glasses with the eye holes poked out, you just found a key aspect of the perfect nerd outfit. Mercury moves into the eighth house of transformation in March, meaning that your looks need to be on their A-game. The stars are begging for you to watch a makeup tutorial.

Libra is a cardinal air sign, typically compatible with fellow air signs Gemini and Aquarius and water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces.

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)

Are you ready to show your spirit, Libra? I’m sure you won’t need much guidance from the stars because you’re ruled by the planet of aesthetics, and that’s what Spirit Week is all about. You’ve probably raided your closet for possible accessories (and filled your Amazon cart to get even more). The stars are saying this will be an uplifting Spirit Week. For Class Clique Day, your goth eyeliner will be at a perfect winged angle. Your platinum wig and neon pants on Music Genre Day may blind the student body. Perhaps you’ll also go viral on Pinterest if you take pics and create your own pins (like a few alumni have — try searching ‘80s, and you’ll see Dreyfoos bleachers after scrolling a bit).

But there’s one area in which you may want to proceed with caution. The stars say there will be a shift in a significant relationship as Mercury enters your seventh house of partnership. As you pose for photos on the field, make sure you leave space for your friends. Offer to take their solo shots before you ask them to take yours. Share your spirit.

Scorpio is a fixed water sign, typically compatible with fellow water signs Cancer and Pisces and earth signs Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)

For this Spirit Week, nostalgia will hit you like a brick. The stars urge you to savor the friendships and memories you’ve been gifted with throughout high school, and if you’re an underclassman, get excited for the experiences to come. Think back to when you wore cowboy boots or ‘60s patterns as you wear football jerseys or New Year’s hats. Think back to when you were visible for one second of the Lip Dub as you prepare to hold props and memorize your club’s designated song. For freshmen and sophomores, revel in these moments while they’re happening.

As you appreciate the past, make sure to find value in the present. Cheer with the rest of your graduating class as you recognize that these are the last years that you’ll all be in one place. Bask in joy from little things like someone saving a seat for you in the bleachers or taking photos with your teachers. Don’t stress about winning the spikeball tournament or remembering the Powderpuff choreography because what matters now is that you’re living in the moment and showing your spirit.

Sagittarius is a mutable fire sign, typically compatible with fellow fire signs Aries and Leo and air signs Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)

Sagittarius, you’re in for a pretty lonely Spirit Week. Since 2024 began, you should’ve been on the lookout for a rude awakening in your social life. If you haven’t learned your lesson yet, this is the time. The stars call you to focus on yourself (not that you’ll have much trouble with that, though). You may feel like there are people who you must hold close, but keep your distance. It’s possible that they’re plotting against you. Who knows who may be hoping you forget your schoolwide rock, paper, scissors beads at home? Who knows who may trip you as you’re singing in the Lip Dub (hint: it could be the co-president next to you). As you journey through Spirit Week, always keep one eye open — even if that eye is adorned with glittery eyeshadow.

You may feel the need to be dependent on your so-called friend group, but embrace solitude. Don’t be afraid to get some solo shots in your Spirit Week fits in front of the bleachers. It may be a bit hard to find someone to take the photos for you, but that’s what SGA historians are for. Let the sunlight shine down on your peace signs and bright smile.

Capricorn is a cardinal earth sign, typically compatible with fellow earth signs Taurus and Virgo and water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)

Now, Capricorn, you may typically breeze through planning outfits every other year, but something funky is in the air for this Spirit Week. You may not have prepped as hard as you usually do, and it probably feels a bit odd. However, the stars are saying you’ll lock in soon. All of your meticulous shopping sprees and color-coded spreadsheets will align, and in the true Capricorn fashion, everything will go according to plan. Micromanaging always pays off, you know?

Your grade level’s band will synchronize and land on top. Every other grade will lose their seat in musical chairs. Your grade will send in all the perfect items during Queen’s Request. Every other grade’s soundtrack will glitch for Generations Day dances. It might take a bit of manifestation, but you’re not ruled by the planet of hardwork and effort for nothing. Put that brain to work and lock in this Spirit Week.

Aquarius is a fixed air sign, typically compatible with fellow air signs Gemini and Libra and fire signs Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)

As an air sign, you’re very bright, and your Spirit Week seems to be the same. Use your mental strength to manifest positivity as your third house of communication is illuminated. If you’re playing in the student teacher basketball game, picture the teachers with weak defensive skills as you make a three-pointer. If you’re a Battle of the Bands participant, imagine hitting all the high notes effortlessly. The stars are on your side this Spirit Week with predictions for several successes coming your way.

With the new moon in Pisces, it seems that you have some item retrieval in your future. Perhaps this means that the schoolwide rock, paper, scissors winner will be an Aquarian? Manifest that win, too. If you’re a senior, we need your mind working the hardest to secure our win of the entirety of Spirit Week, so get to work.

Pisces is a mutable water sign, typically compatible with fellow water signs Cancer and Scorpio and earth signs Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn.

Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20)

My dearest Pisces, I’m sure your 2024 has been positive and bubbly, and Spirit Week will be no different. This is probably your favorite time of the year because of the high pep levels on campus, so use that to your advantage. As everyone is geared up for Spring Break, you’re locked in on the festivities. You bring your A-game with the accessories. You lose your voice after every lunchtime event. You hype your friends up as they pose for photos in their themed gear. You’re basically everyone’s cheerleader.

Balance out the fun with others by highlighting the joy you find with yourself. Jump in the Kona Ice line alone and enjoy that Tiger’s Blood. You don’t need to match sweatsuits with anyone during Y2K day. If you want bedazzled Juicy Couture sweatpants for yourself, get them for yourself. Protect your peace (and spirits). Don’t be afraid to enjoy the week on your own if you need to.

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