[SATIRE] 2024: Written in the Stars

Aries is a cardinal fire sign, typically compatible with fellow fire signs Leo and Sagittarius and air signs Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius.

Aries (March 21 to April 19)

It’s your academic time to shine. With Venus and Mercury’s conjunction early on in the year, high scores are in your future. In the past, we could say you focused more on making an impact or making an appearance rather than making deadlines (it’s called a “due date,” not a suggestion). It’s time to start checking your Google Classroom notifications, which hopefully will get you to actually do the assignments. Trust me, you want to shed your old ways. Let your fire sign flames force you to rise above and actually do your work.

You and I both know that deep down, you have the passion (from your ruling planet Mars) to become an academic weapon. Take all of that wild energy and use it to breeze through sped-up Heimler’s History videos. Raise your hand a bit more and get on your teachers’ good sides. Act like your life depends on it (because your GPA does).

Taurus is a fixed earth sign, typically compatible with fellow earth signs Virgo and Capricorn and water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

Take this year to step down from the pedestal that everyone puts you on and actually breathe. As an earth sign myself, I can comprehend the urge to embrace your harsh work ethic and never let it go. However, there comes a time where letting go is a must if you want to be able to do anything else. Delete some of your untitled files on Google Drive. You’ll never reopen them, trust me. Delete those entries in your Notes app, too.

Speaking of letting go, this is a good time to adjust your conflict-resolution habits. You won’t win every argument, no matter how hard you try — if it makes you feel any better, blame it on the Aries placements in your birth chart (which states which signs the planets were in when you were born). Not every battle is worth fighting.

Gemini is a mutable air sign, typically compatible with fellow air signs Libra and Aquarius and fire signs Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20)

Oh, Gemini. Your year is going to be wild. Luckily, in terms of school, your ruling planet (the planet in charge of your sign) is setting you up for success. All you have to do is think, and Mercury will do the rest of the work. As an air sign who can easily adapt to whatever life throws at you, it’ll be quite simple to skate through the year, comprehend new material in your classes, and balance all the extracurriculars on your plate.

But don’t get too cocky. When that first retrograde hits in April, smack dab in the middle of mock exam and prom season, your A-game won’t come as easily. Don’t get too big-headed (you’re not an Aries, after all — see Astrostyle for the rest of the signs’ ruling body parts) because the retrograde will humble you if you let it, and you’ll fall off that high horse quicker than you got onto it. Eventually, you’ll have to learn to actually start trying, so pay attention in class (no matter how much you trust Mercury).

Cancer is a cardinal water sign, typically compatible with fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces and earth signs Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

My dear Cancer, this is the year that you must grow a spine. Don’t change yourself for anyone, but do not be afraid of growth. Unfortunately, your growth seems a bit stunted. Up until now, your mindset has been pretty stagnant, and it’s time for you to make it flexible.

Embrace change this semester. Like your water sign sister Pisces, you might have the urge to over-support the people around you, and yes, be a good friend, but do not drown for someone who won’t even dip their toe in the water for you. Don’t give too much to friends who don’t support you in return. Dynamics will shift in classrooms, in work ethics, and in social groups, so don’t run away from these changes. Talk to the person who sits behind you in math and see what you can learn from them. Pay attention in science class and see what you can learn from your teacher. Stand your ground and find a way to learn.

Leo is a fixed fire sign, typically compatible with fellow fire signs Aries and Sagittarius and air signs Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22)

Don’t worry, Leo. It might be a new year, but it’s not a new you. Like other fire signs, you’ll still make yourself the center of attention in every classroom, whether via class clown comments or blatant neglect of the dress code. No matter what you decide for this next semester, I’m sure it’ll do wonders for inflating your ego.

But you should think about pursuing new focus methods. The planets are doing everything in their power to keep you distracted, just like your ruling planet, the sun, blinds everyone. It’ll take some serious brainpower for you to take your grades seriously, so start putting energy into hardcore studying.

Virgo is a mutable earth sign, typically compatible with fellow earth signs Taurus and Capricorn and water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)

I can only warn my fellow Virgos (perhaps other earth signs too) that pursuing New Year’s resolutions is NOT the move. You’ll start out January with a list in your Notes app or perhaps a spreadsheet. But by Groundhog Day, it’ll remain untouched and idle. Stop wasting your time planning out a perfect year when you know that it’d be better spent doing something useful, like taking some much needed alone time.

Don’t adopt a random new assignment tracking app for this semester unless it grants an unparalleled level of flexibility unlike any alternatives you’ve seen before. Stay true to your roots, whether that’s Notion or just plain old Google Classroom. But regardless of whatever changes you make and end up regretting or forgetting, remember that we have the power of Dreyfoos magic on our side because the Queen, I mean, principal, is also a Virgo.

Libra is a cardinal air sign, typically compatible with fellow air signs Gemini and Aquarius and water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces.

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)

2024 is your time to let loose, Libra. You’ve proceeded with caution all 2023, so now embrace freedom a bit. With all the obstacles you’ve surpassed in the last year and semester, you’ve learned from them. As you navigate the new year’s new challenges, adjust your strategies using last year’s lessons. It’s a time for major change, so hold on tight.

Air signs like you are typically not afraid to take risks, but you might not like the way that they’re presented. Embrace new opportunities that you might not typically pursue. Dual enroll a random class that you’ve been thinking about. Your social life is going to develop too. Don’t be afraid to forge new relationships. Protect your peace, be careful who you spend time with, and be wary of who you tell things to.

Scorpio is a fixed water sign, typically compatible with fellow water signs Cancer and Pisces and earth signs Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)

The start of 2024 will be a rocky one, but don’t let that discourage you. Lean on your support system to hold you steady as life throws problems at you. It’ll take extra effort to stay afloat on the shaky seas, but since you’re a water sign, you’ll eventually find balance.

Speaking of balance, you may want to focus more on your academics and do what is best for you. Listen to your intuition. If you think you might fail a math test, study until you know the material. Ask your teachers for help, or even seek a tutor if you’re struggling. Don’t be afraid to ask for help because it’s the best way to get through whatever this rough patch may be. Luckily, during peak exam season in May, Mercury is supposed to have your back, so not all hope is lost.

Sagittarius is a mutable fire sign, typically compatible with fellow fire signs Aries and Leo and air signs Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)

Jupiter might have convinced you that your luck won’t run out, but you’re in for a rude awakening. 2024 is prepared to teach you a lesson. You’ll have to make sacrifices and actually help other people (which is something you may not be used to if you haven’t realized that not everything will go your way). As the mutable, or adaptable, fire sign, you’ll have life throwing a lot of obstacles at you, meaning it’s time to lean on other people.

But if you’re not there for them, they won’t be there for you. Remember that friendships are a two-way street, and you can’t just use everyone around you. Show up for other people. Share your notes with that student who is always absent in third period. Celebrate your friends’ accomplishments, like their piece getting added to an art gallery or their passing grade on a hard test.

Capricorn is a cardinal earth sign, typically compatible with fellow earth signs Taurus and Virgo and water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)

You didn’t choose the grindset. The grindset chose you. Last year, and last semester, burnout was not an option — and since you’re an earth sign, I’m sure you wouldn’t have it any other way. Your goat blood, since Capricorn’s symbol is a sea goat, calls you to embrace the hustle. Whether that’s presented in the grind to raise your GPA or adding more extracurriculars to your plate, you can’t escape it.

But for this year and semester, stop trying to do it all. Everyone needs a break, and as much as you don’t like it, that includes you. The third quarter slump is no joke, but this just means you have to balance your time a bit better. Scratch that, a lot better. Maybe that means actually stopping to breathe once you finish an assignment rather than just jumping into a new one. Maybe that means sleeping earlier than 11 p.m. But keep in mind that whatever break you take, make sure you actually enjoy it. A break can look like watching a movie with friends or even reformatting your budget template (and we both know which one a Capricorn would choose).

Aquarius is a fixed air sign, typically compatible with fellow air signs Gemini and Libra and fire signs Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)

With every new year comes new unhinged behavior, but 2024 is a chance to break that cycle. The stars urge you to focus on what’s important, meaning for you, and all other air signs, to stop wreaking havoc on everyone and everything around you. You have so much potential to grow and thrive, but a big part of that is learning to not self-sabotage. Loosen up a bit.

The planets are going to be on your side. Learning new skills will come easy and the people in your life will support you through it, so let them. It’s okay to try something that you’re not used to, like seeking order or studying. Take notes in fifth period. Pay attention in fourth period. Next time you take a multiple choice test, guess B instead of C.

Pisces is a mutable water sign, typically compatible with fellow water signs Cancer and Scorpio and earth signs Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn.

Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20)

You’re in for a positive, successful 2024 if you keep up what you’ve been doing. Bring your bubbly, water sign smile to every endeavor, and you’ll be met with good outcomes. However, not everyone will see the year’s changes and challenges the way that you will, so support your peers through their struggles and give advice (if you’re asked for it).

Have patience with the people around you. Be a beacon of light in the lives of others. Greet administration when they hold the door open for you. Thank your teachers. Be there for your friends. People may criticize your dreamlike perception of life, but don’t let that take away from the joy you will find in 2024.

Discover Your True Astrological Sign

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