THE TRUE STORY OF THANKSGIVING

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THE TRUE STORY OF THANKSGIVING

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We’ve all been there—around the table on some date near the end of November, eating a dry and uninteresting bird while sitting with strange family members that you may have only met once. However, despite the lackluster feast, the story of Thanksgiving is as American as apple pie and invading a Middle Eastern country.

The true—American—story of Thanksgiving starts sometime long ago. These people came over from England trying to escape the tyrannical, evil king ruling the land. They, as red-blooded patriots, came to this previously undiscovered land and claimed it for themselves. But fate did not favor our brave heroes, as a terrible winter came and made planting crops nearly impossible. However, some friendly savages living in the forest came over to our heroes and offered them what little knowledge they had. They taught our heroes how to plant corn, wheat, and vegetables, so they could sustain themselves for the rest of the winter. In return for this knowledge, the pilgrims bestowed upon the savages a great feast with turkey and cranberry sauce as far as the eye can see.

There are people living in our great nation who would have you believe that this is not how the story of Thanksgiving actually happened. However, it must be noted that these people are filthy, anti-American, communist sympathizers. These dissidents will have you believe that the holiday of Thanksgiving was declared in 1863 by Abraham Lincoln—like that would ever happen! Or they would even try to claim that the original Thanksgiving was a celebratory feast in 1637 that occurred after a hunting party of innocent pilgrims came and slaughtered a bunch of native tribesmen—as if the Pilgrims would ever hurt the natives!

As we approach the season of Thanksgiving we, as red-blooded American patriots, must remember to shield ourselves from such dissent. The tradition of Thanksgiving is no less American than football or incredulous amounts of college debt. So to protect yourself from communist influence, it is recommended that you bake a turkey for way longer than it should be baked, buy the cheapest can of mashed potatoes at the market, and decorate your house with the most stereotypical fall decor, such as hay bales or a slightly too-friendly scarecrow.

So as you sit around the table, slowly falling into a food coma from the sheer amount of carbs you ate with a football game providing a comforting white noise to your slumber, remember the true nature of Thanksgiving. Maybe those years of your high school teacher telling you anti-American lies will slowly start to fade from memory.

Remember Folks this is satire