An American shopping staple, Costco specializes in commercial-sized home products, low-priced hot food items and everyone’s personal favorite, free samples. A trip to this store isn’t complete without indulging in every bite-sized snack there is to offer. Of course, feasting is not easily obtained. One must go through various trials of patience and endurance to indulge in a complimentary store lunch.

Costco is always crowded on the weekends, specifically Sunday mornings. This is when the elders are visiting after their weekly visit to church. Unfortunately, these elders are feeling anything but holy. They take every parking space within a hundred yard radius of the store, turning your shopping experience into a hike. Precautionary measures must be taken, the most important: never arrive near lunchtime. This is when their blood sugar is running low, making them desperate to enter the shopping area, and even more aggressive with their parking techniques.

Once you’ve parked your vehicle and entered the store, the next obstacle is locating the samples. Like a vulture circling its prey, you must round the store once or twice in order to find the freestanding kiosks. Approaching these tables is not an easy task since they are usually surrounded by fellow hungry shoppers, eager to get their hands on the new batch of fresh grub. Of course, during this time, you must use your weapon of choice, also known as your shopping cart, to politely ram the crowd’s ankles in hopes to make it to the front of the line. The shopping cart is also essentially camouflage so it looks like you have come to Costco to actually shop.

At this point, you have successfully made it to the front of the line and are eagerly awaiting the fresh plate of samples to arrive. This is the time where people become frighteningly aggressive since only a select few get their chance to dine while the others must watch and wait for the stock to be resupplied.

Once the plate of delectable samples does come out, attack mode is initiated within each shopper and it becomes survival of the fittest. Individuals force their way to the front of the line, eagerly grabbing as many samples as they can hold while mumbling something about “needing more for their family.” Soon after, they force all of the food items in their mouth and avoid eye contact with those who were unable to receive anything.

At this point, the worker in charge of the kiosk has lost all control of the people and stands back, trying to get those who are feasting to purchase a larger amount of the food they are sampling. The shoppers are too far gone at this point, already heading to the next closest dining area, in hopes of continuing their free meal, leaving the scattered remains of what used to be a tray full of food samples. Those who were unable to obtain a taste stand around, hanging their heads in shame and wait for the next batch to arrive as they pretend to actually be interested in what is being sold around them.

Costco is an American phenomenon that offers a variety of wholesale products to those brave enough to own a membership card. Of course, these samples are not really free. They are paid for with each renewal of your Costco card and with everything else you buy, since a trip to the store isn’t complete without purchasing over one 100 dollars worth of merchandise and a churro. But until Costco does decide to put an end to the “free samples,” remember that those who are unable to fight for their spot at the front of the line will be eliminated by natural selection and those who remain will feed on bite sized snacks which taste of nothing but fat, calories and glory.